Next Time You Go Out

Ok, so…first things first: I would not call myself a bitter individual with some grudge. I am not going to say I am one of those people who looks at your through the corner of the eye, judging everything you are doing as you dine the day/night away.

Anyway, there are a few things that I, and the rest of the sane, normal and very particular dining public have picked up, about patrons who have a desire to, well, treating public areas of nutritional uptake as their private boudoirs.

Below is a few, lets call them “tips,” that are meant to enlighten those that might not be aware of the modernisation of the dining experience. They are meant to help you or “someone you know” out, so that just incase you get prying eyes that won’t stop looking at you next time you go out, you will know why.

1.            The “Tormenting Tooth-Picker” (The TTP)

Stop it! Stop it! For goodness sake and for all that’s mighty, please just stop! Just because the restaurant offers your tiny little toothpicks at the end of your ribs and wings or your medium rare oryx steak, doesn't mean, as you await your bill, you should start digging away at your dentals. It looks nasty, and looks nasty and oh, yes, it just looks nasty. Imagine you are in the middle of your meal, you see someone digging away at remnants of their meal, whilst you are about to take a bite of your pizza? Yes. I thought as much.  Not a prime time movie is it? Oh, and if you think a combination of your tongue, lips and mouth would make the perfect vacuum cleaner, by sucking the air through your teeth to try dislodge food stuck in there, then you might need professional help. Don’t be a TTP! Just don’t! #smh

5.    The “Tea time Slurpper”

Where to start?! You know those people that think just because some form of liquid is going through their lips and down their throat, they need to make some grotesque announcement of what they are doing, regardless of who is around them and if it happens to bother anyone? Nope, they don’t care. In their mind, “if it’s hot, I will slurp it!” To help, here is a scale of a few beverages and the slurp rating required; 0 being an absolute no no, and a10 being ‘slurp to your heart’s content. Everyone else can go fish!’

Hot tea/coffee (in the village): 7/10 (only because for some reason the tea takes years to cool down in those metal cups grandma got at the wholesaler’s)

Hot tea/coffee (at home): 2/10

Hot tea/coffee (at restaurant): 0/10 (if its hot, let it cool slightly, like normal people do)

Warm Milk: 0/10 (its warm, not hot)

Water: 0/10 (oh yes, water slurps exist)

Cold canned beverage: (insert that ‘how dare you’ look here)

Red/White Wine: -10/10

Champagne/Whiskey/Rum & other happiness inducing drinks: (if u even dare slurp champagne or whiskey, you are dead to me.)

1.    The “Table-Reacher”

Your armpit over my salmon is neither a pretty sight, nor is it a hygienic one either. It’s just nasty! Calmly and politely ask someone next to you to pass whatever it is you are trying to reach for. It’s just the right thing to do, for mankind’s sake. Keep your hands to yourself and your plate.

2.    The “Knife Grinding-Cutlery banger”

As amazing as your steak is or as tough as it might have turned out after asking for an extremely well done, you do not have a constitutional right to echo the sounds of your steak knife on the restaurants dinnerware in frustration towards the over grilled chicken. If the knife is not doing a good enough job, call your waitron; ask for a sharper and more effective knife. If that doesn't work, go get the chef’s butcher knife; just don’t make a nuisance out of everyone else’s dining experience

3.    The “Non-Stop Talking Tom”

S/he goes on and on. The levels elevated beyond the parameters of his/her table. They want everyone to hear and listen to either what they have achieved or attained or are consuming. The attention seeking is majorly profound, and in all honesty, they mess it up for the rest of us. Sign a petition with your fellow diners, give it to the manager to take action, and pray that it works. Otherwise, just stare at them, especially if you are more than two, and enjoy how uncomfortable it makes them! Oh, P.S: that doesn't work at a chisa-nyama or your local kapana joint. Everyone there is talking. That’s where people should be if they can’t shut it.

6.    The “Lookie Lookers”

Stop staring at me! Focus on your date or the people around you. I know I’m quite the hot one and all, but…just don’t look at me. I didn't come with you; neither did you come with me. Look at the food in your plate if your blind date scares you. Didn’t someone tell you in grade 1? It’s rude to stare.

I'm just saying.